It · may · be · a · little · biased

never move in with your boyfriend, even if it's just for the summer

dear abby,

it's really none of your business when i do my homework or even whether or not i do it. so please, back the fuck off. thanks.

the thing that i like about college is that, instead of the bathroom, you can take your lunch back to your room and eat alone there without the risk of people walking in.

i know i'm going to fit in here. i'm just waiting for it to happen...

mer.

i've never had so much stress in such a small time period before. this whole pledging thing just sucks and sometimes i just want to give up. i havent ever really had to work for something and i'm not complaining about that, but it's just weird getting used to it. i don't know.

i wish i were bella. i know she has to deal with vampires and shit, but it seems easier than this. le sigh

maybe the true sign is that rachel asked about my weekend, and art and emma still havent. they just asked me to take them to ben and jerrys, which is fun because i can't eat ice cream..

oh fuck. 

so i know it's only milwaukee and it's not that far but the fact is that the weather is horrible and his car isnt that great and this weekend was absolutely amazing...i just am feeling pretty down right now. 

right now it kind of feels like i only like rachel and david and i just hang out with everyone else because of routine

wow. i reread some of my entries and i sound so not like me in here. oh wells. i've found a boy who makes me laugh. rachel, you would love him. or at least love the effect he has on me.

anyways. fuck yes.

there's a ton of shit i have to do but i haven't been able to accomplish much and i blame it on the boy in the polka band.

i have a horrible cold and i gave it to him and cole doesnt know and i'm scared to tell him...

i wish that i wanted the boy that i could have. 

everything is better in madison.

i just wanna go home. nothing makes sense here anymore. i just wanna talk to my mom and be done with school and not have to worry about anything anymore. i dont like it here anymore.

cole is a fucking douchebag. i dont understand why i stay in a relationship with someone who's telling me that in less than two months he's going to break up with me to save from pain later on. why even start a relationship, then? this is fucked up and i dont want to waste my time. this is such bullshit and i hate it and i'm just done.

it's so weird leaving. it's only a week but. i don't know. i know i'm just being silly. and i can't wait to get home, really.  i don't know. something about going home feels so...sterilized. i don't know. i'm sure it will be better once i'm there. and i'm planning on hanging out with family alot and i dont have high expectations for hanging with friends, which means any amount i see them will be a happy surprise.

the consensus is in and it's official: having divorced parents sucks. three stories today about how having divorced parents suck. so there you have it.

oh, and i think i'm spending easter alone. which just means i'll have to make it to church on my own and maybe have a date with jesus

this just sucks. i can never find a job that i like and no one calls me back and i just feel like i can't ever win and stupid cole is gettin ghis housing and tuition paid by his parents and he just wants a job so he can do fun stuff with it and he ends up two jobs relating to his major and one relating to mine and i just really wish i would have gotten the r.a. position or something. i just need some beacon of hope right now because i'm really running empty.

i am $1300, going on $1600 in debt to my mom and jobless. i'm applying for a job today but it won't help for at least two weeks. i'm so fucked. i've never been in such a weak position. i hate asking my parents for things. i wish i would have fixed the amount on my loan.  i have no idea what i'm doing or how my siblings did it. i hate this. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. i'm so fucked and this sucks and i have no idea what i'm doing and why i'm allowed the responsibility of paying thousands of dollars when some parents can't even get their act together. i'm so screwed and i'm scared and i've got no one to talk to. fuuuuck.

i was looking through my photos for something i could make look cool in photoshop, and i stumbled on a picture of me and thom from homecoming junior year, and i look so happy. i haven't seen myself smile like that in a long time. i miss when things were so much easier. i miss the boys i gave up on too soon and pushed away. we could have been real good. i just mess things up so i can try the next new thing.

maybe i've said all this before. i know i've thought it. but sometimes, i just get scared that i'll never be with the person i'm supposed to. i know i can be happy with a variety of people and i know i could keep myself happy with a variety of people, but i'm just never sure. i don't know. i'm just scared and wondering and, yes. i dont like the curveball thrown at me and the fact that it shouldnt be a curveball at all but it is.